CHOICES

 

I make a lot of mistakes, but they do not define me. Will I let them weigh me down, or will I use them to become stronger?

I had an experience earlier this year that could have destroyed me. In fact, it almost did. But I CHOSE. Let me explain. I’ve always had a hard time getting myself to sit down and engage in focused study. Because of this, my grades often suffered. Not because I didn’t want to do well, but because I didn’t know how. I still struggle with time management and self control. But when early spring rolled around this year, I was especially frustrated with myself. I was stressed to the max, and couldn’t seem to figure anything out. I so deeply craved goodness and hope, but I had left everything behind to wallow in self-doubt. Some might have called what I had “depression” but I didn’t like to assign that title to my life. I still had fun at dances, performing events, and activities. I still loved talking to people, but I also felt very alone. I didn’t rely on God. I made certain choices, or didn’t - like forgetting to read my scriptures, self-reflect, journal, and pray. (More like I didn’t make them a specific priority.) I didn’t realize the value of these things and I thought I was fine. One late night found me so overwhelmed with how terrible everything seemed to be. I couldn’t imagine a way out. I had experienced suicidal thoughts before and self-harmed a few times. But this night I couldn’t control my sobs. In my mind, one thing after another reminded me how awful my life was and how I couldn’t possibly get out of it. Satan was hard at work. After a while, I got up and found a bottle of pain medication that I considered overdosing on. But as I held it in my hand, thoughts of an amazingly bright future flooded my head. I saw myself traveling all over the world - meeting people and experiencing new things that would change my life forever. I saw my temple wedding someday and felt the pure joy I would have in the arms of a righteous husband. I suddenly knew the excitement I would feel when I discovered I was pregnant for the first time, and the fulfillment I would have from raising my children in the Gospel. And then I felt the peace and comfort of knowing my Heavenly Father had a plan for me, and that it was nowhere near over. I put the pills back away and went to find my mom.

I know that God was with me that night. He surely ached for me to feel His presence but knew that I had to face the despair first. He was just waiting to pick me up and hold me tight. I know that I have so much of my story still to live and I have confidence that you do too.

Each moment, EVERY SINGLE SECOND, we have the choice to move forward, everything aside, and do what is best in the now. If you get overwhelmed easily, focus on what you can DO -- in the next day, hour, or even five minutes. There are a thousand things in my past or future I could think about, but those will only waste time and feed my weaknesses.

NOW is all we have the power to change. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Whatever it is that you know you need or want to change - Go for it! Go all in! Put your heart and soul into it! Just do it now, and don't you quit.

So. I choose, IMMEDIATELY, to do the right thing. I'll probably mess up again. But the second after that, I'll start again - and keep going and going until forever.